Life lessons

I may not be the sharpest bulb in the tool shed but there are a few of the life lessons I have picked up over my 30 years

•  You will be unable to secure a day off school by putting moisturiser in your eye and claiming to now be blind

• Washing up liquid should NOT be used as alternative for dish washer tablets… You may think they do the same thing but when you are still scooping out foam 2 hours later it will be 100% clear that they do not

• When putting on a wetsuit (sorry for that mental image) the zip should always be on the back, no matter what some “helpful” people in the changing room say. There is a high chance you will choke yourself and almost cut your head off

• A safe is indeed called so because it keeps your stuff safe! (lightbulb)

• Just because you think your dad is putting a football valve up his nose does not mean you should try it yourself. It WILL get stuck and you WILL have to get it removed by a doctor

• It is not a good idea to mutter to your brother to “fuck off” when your apparently hard of hearing grandmother is in the next room…

• If you down a can of Irn Bru while lying on your back and then roll over you will burp like Barney from the Simpsons

• If chatting to a guy at the bar always make sure that he doesn’t mistake you for your best friend. This will avoid her receiving a very awkward phone call the next day from her boyfriend

• Don’t vomit into a freezer bag and then drop it onto your straighteners that you have forgot to turn off

• No matter where you go and what you see in life it will never top seeing a Zebra farting in the face of a small child

• You can convince two guys in a nightclub that you are your pal are Swedish by simply nodding and saying “Henrik Larson” and “Celtic” in the shittest accent ever

• If you put your elbow through the headrest on the bus it will get stuck

• Just because you’ve been given a free she wee at a music festival doesn’t mean you should use it. Be prepared to spend the day with wet pants and jeans

ldizzy xx