Life lessons

I may not be the sharpest bulb in the tool shed but there are a few of the life lessons I have picked up over my 30 years

  •  You will be unable to secure a day off school by putting moisturiser in your eye and claiming to now be blind
  • Washing up liquid should NOT be used as alternative for dish washer tablets… You may think they do the same thing but when you are still scooping out foam 2 hours later it will be 100% clear that they do not
  • When putting on a wetsuit (sorry for that mental image) the zip should always be on the back, no matter what some “helpful” people in the changing room say. There is a high chance you will choke yourself and almost cut your head off
  • A safe is indeed called so because it keeps your stuff safe! (lightbulb)
  • Just because you think your dad is putting a football valve up his nose does not mean you should try it yourself. It WILL get stuck and you WILL have to get it removed by a doctor
  • It is not a good idea to mutter to your brother to “fuck off” when your apparently hard of hearing grandmother is in the next room…
  • If you down a can of Irn Bru while lying on your back and then roll over you will burp like Barney from the Simpsons
  • If chatting to a guy at the bar always make sure that he doesn’t mistake you for your best friend. This will avoid her receiving a very awkward phone call the next day from her boyfriend
  • Don’t vomit into a freezer bag and then drop it onto your straighteners that you have forgot to turn off
  • No matter where you go and what you see in life it will never top seeing a Zebra farting in the face of a small child
  • You can convince two guys in a nightclub that you are your pal are Swedish by simply nodding and saying “Henrik Larson” and “Celtic” in the shittest accent ever
  • If you put your elbow through the headrest on the bus it will get stuck
  • Just because you’ve been given a free she wee at a music festival doesn’t mean you should use it. Be prepared to spend the day with wet pants and jeans

ldizzy xx


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